How did I find my place in the world? You’d think at 40 years old, I’d know where I belonged, right? Wrong. Painful years of procrastinating, job-hopping, and even therapy couldn’t help me find my true calling or who I really am as a person. I took every personality test, read every book to discover my “type”, and was even about to shell out hard-earned cash for a professional to tell me what I should be doing. The theme of my adult life could be summed up in one word: Lost.
But guess what? All those tests and books were only tools to guide me in the right direction. I was the one who had to do the so-called “real work” of finding myself and where I fit. Turns out, it wasn’t actually work. All I had to do was relax, take a step back, and look in the mirror. And by mirror, I mean look at who I already am and how I can capitalize on it to make a living. What do I do every day that brings me joy? What do people ask me questions about? What switches my brain to the “on” position and makes me want to learn more?
Okay, I lied about this not being real work. The hard part is overcoming the fear to do what you love. As someone who’s always been her own worst critic, the fear in me was very much alive. It whispered, “You can’t do this. You don’t know enough. You can’t make any money doing this. You will fail.” But I looked fear in the face and said, “The only way I’ll fail is if I don’t do it.” Failure is staying in the same lifeless, soul-crushing job year after year when you know you need and deserve more. Failure is not having the courage to acknowledge your strengths and use them to their full potential.
If you’ve never read the simple yet powerful Holstee Manifesto, I encourage you to do so. One phrase rings especially true to me now, and that is “Getting lost will help you find yourself.” For years I felt tortured by the overwhelming feeling that I was lost in the world, but I didn’t realize that I needed to be lost. It helped me find all the things I didn’t want to do or be, and go towards the life I want to live and the person I want to be.
With a neighborly gift of fresh baked banana nut bread warm in my hand, I knocked on the door to the apartment upstairs. It belonged to Carol and Patty, and I did not yet really know them since I’d only lived in the building for a couple of months. Carol answered and I handed her the foil wrapped mini loaf. “I made banana nut bread, would you guys like some?”
Patty was sitting in what I would come to know as her usual spot: an antique wing chair beside the couch, facing the door. She was smoking a cigarette and drinking a Miller Lite. She and Carol grinned the biggest grins when they saw me. “Oh, honey! We’d love some,” Carol said. “We’re so glad to see you, come in and have a glass of wine! We want to get to know you, new neighbor! We haven’t got to hang out yet.” It was 2:00 on a weekday afternoon and I was headed out to run errands. I explained that I just couldn’t possibly drink this early in the day, and I had so much to do, and…oh, well, one glass won’t hurt.
I don’t remember what happened to the bread or even if they ate it. All I know is that I was quickly ushered in, seated on the couch, and asked if I preferred white or red. Before I knew it, one of my hands was holding a tall glass of iced white wine and the other was holding a cigarette from Patty’s stash. “You wanna cigarette?”, she’d asked, her voice sounding so gravely it was almost man-like and her wide smile revealing her severely stained teeth.
Patty was the older of the two roommates, dyed dark hair and looking at least ten years older than her 65 years. Carol was 55 and heavyset, but somehow looked ten years younger than that. Her Dorothy Hamil-ish feathered hair and bouncy attitude might have helped. I took in all their characteristics as I tried to take in my surroundings while they talked and fired questions at me. I explained I’d moved into our 1920s era building as a grad student from WV but had recently dropped out and was looking for full-time work. Carol hunted for the newspaper for job ads while I looked around the room at all the quaint decorations. All their walls were painted a teal blue, while my apartment directly below theirs was still all solid white. They didn’t just live here, they LIVED here.
“How long have you guys lived here?” I asked.
“Twenty years,” Patty growled proudly while lighting a fresh cigarette.
“Oh, wow…” I said, noticing how nearly nothing in their place looked cheap or modern. Then I remembered that someone had told me recently that our neighborhood was the “old money” are of Greensboro, just a few blocks from the country club. But still, twenty years in an apartment? It seemed a bit odd, but then I again, I am odd. And I needed friends.
One glass of wine turned into two, which turned into beer, which turned into Carol refilling my glass every time I went to the bathroom, which she thought I wouldn’t notice. Did I mention it was 2:00 in the afternoon? Pretty soon, I had a good buzz going on, and had to cancel my errands and a dinner date with a friend because I knew I was no good from this point on. I mentioned my dog Zoe, and they swooned over how much they wanted to meet her and would I please go downstairs and bring her back up with me? Soon, Zoe and I were hanging with her new aunts and Zoe couldn’t be happier with all the new things to smell. She’s nosier than a cat, so she had to sniff every inch of the place.
At one point, I couldn’t see Zoe and was worried she was somewhere in the apartment peeing on something or eating something she shouldn’t. I got up to find her and wandered toward the bedrooms, which were on either side of the bathroom in the back hallway. Since their apartment was designed exactly like mine, a two bedroom, and they were roommates, I assumed one bedroom belonged to each woman. Imagine my surprise when I turned the corner to look in the front facing bedroom, and there was no bed. There were only walls lined with bookshelves and a table and chairs in the middle of the room with a chess set on top. Huh? I had a good buzz but starting to put two and two together. I peered into the rear facing bedroom and saw one double bed with two pillows and an ivory bedspread covering it. It seemed to glow in the late afternoon autumn sun. Oh…I get it now. They are not just roommates. I felt so stupid. Here I’d been sitting in their home, drinking their booze, smoking their cigarettes, having a grand old time, and it never once occurred to me that they were a couple.
Walking back into the living room with my dog, I tried to hide my surprise at my discovery. I calmly slid in the question, “So how long have you guys been together?” while we were talking about something probably nowhere near related. They had been together 25 years, and told me of their former business together: a weight loss clinic. Carol did the books and Patty was the counselor, advising customers on diet and exercise regimens. I was shocked when they told me that they’d had to “turn their backs” on the gay community in order to stay in business. They pretended to be straight and wouldn’t associate with any other gays. I still don’t understand that one. I know it was a long time ago, but it wasn’t THAT long ago. And Greensboro was so much more forward thinking than my small, narrow minded hometown. Or was it? Who knows. I wasn’t around for that and I’m not gay, so I don’t really have any room to speculate, I suppose.
I ended up confessing that I only figured them out a few minutes before when I saw that they only had one bed. They both laughed and laughed…and laughed. Okay, you guys can stop laughing. “Oh, bless your heart,” said Carol. Which is the southern equivalent of, “Poor thing, you’re so dumb.” They thought it was “just precious” that I was so naïve and didn’t realize it before. Sorry, small town WV girl isn’t used to seeing many lesbians out in the open and living together. Hell, it was almost a big deal to see two gay men together where I’m from. We couldn’t keep a gay bar open because it was always being vandalized or something terrible like that.
By this time, it was around 5:00 and I was getting hungry. I needed to eat dinner, but couldn’t seem to break away from the fun I was having with my new friends. If memory serves, I didn’t escape until at least 7:00pm. Escape sounds bad, I was really not a hostage. I was drinking and having laughs, and it had been so long since I’d gotten to do that and truly be myself. In a new town, it’s hard to let down your guard while at the same time not being overeager. But in the course of a few hours and a little (okay, a lot) of booze, a friendship was forged that I won’t soon forget, especially with the wicked hangover that came with it.
I was once that girl woman in her late twenties who was desperately in love with a Star Wars geek. I was infatuated with him from the moment I laid eyes on him when we were 19 and “just friends”. He was the one I’d always wanted and no one else would do. I was thrilled when we began dating, so much so that I put up with all kinds of nonsense over the next 5 years. By nonsense, let’s just summarize and say that the relationship was very one-sided, and everyone saw it but me. He was not abusive, or even mean. He did not cheat on me, nor did I ever worry about it. He JUST WASN’T INTO ME.
The book by the same name came out while we were still dating. I was seriously offended when my mother tried to give me a copy as a “hint”. She tried to disguise it by saying that the book was “really funny!” I persevered because I knew my man loved me, no doubt about it. He loved me so much that he moved into a house with me after three years of long-distance dating. After purchasing the house two years later, he looked at me fondly one night and asked, “What are we waiting for?” Confused, I asked what he meant. “We’ve been together five years, we’re both 30, we bought a house…we should get married!” This, ladies and gentlemen, was my proposal.
I was so excited that I was beside myself. Finally! All my waiting had paid off! He knew that I didn’t want to plan a big wedding, so we began discussing eloping to the Caribbean. Shortly into the conversation, I mentioned wanting an engagement ring. He calmly stated that he simply could not afford to buy me a ring and marry me at the same time. I was given a choice: “I can buy you a ring now, and we can get married next year. Or, we can get married in a couple months and I’ll buy you a ring later on down the road. My dad did that for my mom!” I was so hell bent on snagging him forever that I chose the wedding first and the ring later. Do you know yet where this story is going?
I won’t bore you with the details, but I never got a ring, and we divorced after two years of marriage. Not over the ring in particular, but its symbolism was at the heart of my dissatisfaction. So when I hear that some drop dead gorgeous, intelligent woman is more than happy to make her man 300 sandwiches in order to get an engagement ring, I cringe. Stephanie, honey, where is your sandwich that he made for you? And why do you have to make 300? Have you looked at him? I mean, he’s not even hot and you are a fucking bombshell. I know you’re in this for the long haul and will probably get a great book deal or something out of this…fine. I get that. But I truly hope you do not get a ring from this man who supposedly loves you. I hope you get the biggest, brightest diamond ring you’ve ever seen, hidden inside a sandwich made for YOU by someone who adores you and will treat you like the jewel you are.
As I mentioned before, I made a year-end list of my favorite music. While most popular lists are ranked in order of awesomeness, my list is chronological. Since blogging is just an outlet for me and I’m not trying to influence anyone, let’s have fun! All of the songs on my list mean something to me and at some point during the year, they were “my jam”. 🙂
So, without further adieu…
Robyn – “Call Your Girlfriend”
Okay, this song is older than 2012, but…from December 2011 to at least Spring 2012, this was my shit. Who am I kidding, it’s STILL my shit. So here’s what happened: Pitchfork posted a review of Robyn’s performance on Saturday Night Live over the previous weekend. It piqued my curiosity, since I’d always kind of liked Robyn ever since the 90s. When I watched the above clip, I was mesmerized, shocked, awed, all that. Most of all, I was infected by the song. Its beat and melody refused to leave my head, and I played it over and over (and still do). Besides, how can you not be impressed by her not missing a note while doing a back-flip on stage…in platform shoes?
Norah Jones – “Happy Pills”
“With ya gone, I’m alive, makes me feel like I took happy pills…” Well said. Being someone who can finally sing along with this and mean it, it does feel pretty good to be over him. Check out the video for this also, it’s done well and Norah sports a foxy new ‘do.
Kelly Clarkson – “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)”
Ever accidentally like a song? I truly didn’t mean to like this one. It seemed so cliche of a “getting over you” song compared to Norah Jones’s “Happy Pills”. But it came on the radio one day while I was running on the treadmill (which I HATE and have since quit doing – ha), and it got to me. I found myself turning it up and even dancing a little. Oops. But in my defense, Kelly really is a phenomenal singer. In fact, she’s one of my favorite female vocalists. There, I said it. I’m out of the Kelly Clarkson closet.
Drake – “Make Me Proud”
More treadmill inspiration. Never was a Drake fan or a Nicki fan, but this song was just good. The beat, the lyrics, it just moved me.
Drake ft. The Weeknd – “Crew Love”
So smooth… Damn, Weeknd. Yeah, discovered the rest of Drake’s album because of “Make Me Proud” and found this gem.
Major Lazer feat. Amber of Dirty Projectors – “Get Free”
Thanks, Sirius XMU for the plethora of random good shit like this you threw my way this year. Love. This. Song.
Alabama Shakes – “Hold On”
My “cool” friends were shouting “listen to Alabama Shakes!”. I resisted. I do that sometimes when people tell me “listen to this”, “read that”, or “watch this.” Does that make me an asshole? Doubtful, because I’m pretty sure everyone does it! Anyway, I had a feeling I would enjoy their live show, so I was sure to catch them at the Hangout Festival 2012 in Gulf Shores, AL. Wow. Never will I forget the moment they started playing this song. I was on the beach at the concert with one of my best friends, the warm breeze off the ocean was blowing our cover-ups as we shielded the sun from our eyes. The guitar and melody on this song kicked in and I felt it in my soul. Sounds corny, but…true story.
Selena Gomez – “Love You Like A Love Song”
I have no excuse for this one. it just grew on me and reminds me of the 26 hours in the car I spent with my friend on our Hangout Festival trip. Oh, and somewhere on the interwebs is a lip-sync of this by James Franco, whom I adore. I might have watched that a few times.
One Direction – “What Makes You Beautiful”
This, above all, should shout to the world that I am in no way a serious music blogger. All the serious ones would discredit me for this, and that’s okay…they probably should! Here’s why I like this song: It’s fun. It’s ridiculous. It’s pop in it’s truest form and completely void of substance. It’s the ice cream that you didn’t know you wanted but you blew your diet on it anyway after the first bite. Guilty. Pleasure. Yeah.
Carly Rae Jepsen – “Call Me Maybe”
Speaking of guilty pleasures…! I know a lot of people who secretly love this song. You know who you are. I tried to resist this one as well, and was successful until a friend posted the Chatroulette version (above). It made my day, my week, my month, I laughed so much. Ever since then, if it comes on the car radio, I turn that shit up and sing it to the other drivers on the road. It helps with road rage. Really.
Usher – “Climax”
I truly thought I was the only one in love with this song over the summer. But, as I discovered recently, a whole mess of people with different music tastes loved it. [See previous post https://shesmyuptowngirl.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/end-of-year-music-lists/] Sigh…beautiful from beginning to end.
Ellie Goulding – “Lights”
Really, just a cool little song.
Yeasayer – “Henrietta”
Loving Yeasayer, glad to have finally found them this year.
Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – “Baby”
Avant-garde, indie artist sings a lullaby so smooth, it’s reminiscent of Smokey Robinson. This was my slow, sleepy summer jam. “You’re so baby…”
Foster The People – “Houdini”
Sometimes just a beat is enough to catch me and reel me in to a song. Such is the case with “Houdini”. While most pop listeners only know “Pumped Up Kicks”, they should really check out more from Foster The People. They look to be an awesome live band as well…
Miguel – “Adorn”
What a smooth-assed jam. I even heard someone describe this as the new “Sexual Healing”.
Muse – “Madness”
This song has had a hold on me since the first moment I heard it. First let me say that I never considered my self a Muse fan. They were just “okay” to me. But I was driving one night and this song came on the radio… I couldn’t believe how different it was for Muse and how much I loved it. Its understated intensity is mesmerizing, and the beat is just sexy.
Yeasayer – “Longevity”
This song just jams.
Frank Ocean – “Lost”
I love Frank Ocean. He just doesn’t give a shit, does he? He’s smooth, creative, controversial… Does this song sound like Prince to anyone else? This isn’t a bad thing, btw.
Purity Ring – “Fineshrine”
While electronic music is normally not my scene, this song just sucked me in. Purity Ring makes another appearance later in the list, so maybe I’m starting to like this genre…
Solange – “Losing You”
Beyonce’s badass indie little sister gets airplay on both Sirius XMU and The Heat (R&B), that’s always interesting! I love this song and video so much that I don’t even know where to start. It almost deserves its own blog post. Hmmm…
Britney Spears feat. Ke$ha & Nicki Minaj – “Till The World Ends (Remix)’
I’m just as surprised as anyone else that this song moves me. One day it came on Pandora, and I found myself singing along to the club-inspired “oh-oh-ohhhhs” and it got stuck in my head. Then, I heard the remix (above) and for some reason was hooked. Ke$ha sounds so futuristic and badass, reminiscent of Katy Perry’s “E.T.”, maybe?
The Weeknd – “Wicked Games”
Hot. Again… just DAMN, Weeknd. Such a seductive track, yet the lyrics reveal something deeper: vulnerability.
Wiz Khalifa feat. The Weeknd – “Remember You”
Not to be redundant with mentions of The Weeknd, but… it’s good stuff, what can I say? I also love me some Wiz, have had a little crush on him ever since 2011’s “Roll Up”. He didn’t rap quite enough in this, but I’ll take what I can get.
Purity Ring – “Obedear”
What an unusual, catchy little song. It’s electronic, but the keyboard part reminds me of something borrowed from old school rap like Run DMC. I don’t know what it is, but I like it.
Which is a good way to sum up my listening style, and my year in music. “I don’t know what it is, but I like it!” I’ve been introduced to a lot of new stuff this year. and I’ll be forever thankful for breaths of fresh air such as these.
Thanks for reading this, and for putting up with my newb blogger self. 🙂
Every year since I’ve been involved in social media, I see music lovers everywhere make “end of year lists” of their favorite music released in the last 12 months. I’ve always enjoyed reading these lists and making my own. But the older I get, and the more I get to know myself (yes, I’m still trying to figure out who I am), the more I realize that these lists are only important to the people who make them. It’s as if we’re saying, “Hey there, I have really awesome taste in music, and you should check out my list so that you know how much cooler I am than you.” Okay, that might be pushing it a little, but …you know what I mean. It gives us something to show off a little, and maybe someone will agree with some of our list items and think we are cool.
These are the things that go through my head when I read the lists because, more often than not, I haven’t heard of most of the artists. It’s only when I recognize one or two band names that I feel as if I’m doing something right! Why is that? No worries, though. I’m aware that I listen to a wider variety of music than most people I know, so I am content with my taste in music. I understand that no one will ever agree with my lists because I can be pretty random and “out there”. My love of pop and R&B music automatically gets me shunned by the indie crowd, and my love of indie and R&B alienates my pop loving friends. I can’t help it, it’s part of me. It’s my personality. I’m a chameleon in many ways, from my taste in friends to my taste in music. It confuses some, but the ones close to me understand.
Today, the R&B and pop music fan in me rejoiced when I happened to catch the end of the Gorilla vs. Bear “end of year” song countdown on Sirius XMU (satellite radio’s indie station). I didn’t recognize most songs on the list, but like the station, I listened anyway because sometimes I discover new songs that otherwise I’d never have been exposed to. Some of them have become my absolute favorite jams of the year! Can you imagine my surprise, though, when I tuned in for the #1 song and heard the sweet sounds of Usher coming out of my car’s speakers? The number one song on Gorilla vs. Bear for 2012 was “Climax”??? I triple-checked my Sirius XM display to make sure I was still on XMU. Yep, sure enough, I was. I didn’t understand it, but I loved it! “Climax” was released this past summer and I never tired of it. After the song played, the host stated that that was indeed the #1 song, and that they’d gotten A LOT of shit for it on Facebook. I laughed out loud. Hard. I laughed because of course they got shit for it on Facebook. Anyone who ever hates anything goes straight to the internet to spout their opinion and to engage in pointless arguments with strangers. And I rejoiced because, “yeah, man” it was USHER. Hahahahaha! Take that, hipsters. Take that sultry black voice crooning in your ear about the death of love. Take that smooth dancing, Grammy winning, Bieber loving man and listen. Take in the whole song from beginning to end as if it were on some super secret underground mix-tape that accidentally got leaked. Love it, play it over and over, and then immediately toss it aside because it got played on the radio and now everyone’s heard it. It’s no longer cool to like it, so it must be shit. I felt as if this choice for #1 song of 2012 was just for me somehow, because I don’t care how popular or unpopular something is. If I love it, I love it.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to have decent taste in music. I can be somewhat of a music snob myself, but then again I have dated an audiophile whom I’m sure thought my taste was pure shit. But I will say this: if the music moves you in any way, makes you happy, makes you feel something, anything, then it’s your music. Love it, cherish it, and to hell with everyone else.
And with that, I’m off to make my year-end music list!
Uptown Girl 